I will let you all know right now, this is not an easy post to write, nor is it going to be a very uplifting one at that, and some very intimate details are going to be written. I find writing about my experiences very therapeutic and therefore feel better about my experiences. So If you are into sob stories and reading about there people's trials and details of their lives, then this is the place to be. If this is not your cup of tea, then viewer discretion is advised.
So, as I mentioned in my previous post, that Phil and I were going to be seeing a fertility specialist because of some issues we had been experiencing in terms of conceiving to have a child. This was a some what nerve wracking experience for us because we didn't really know what was going to happen out of this appointment. Worst case scenario was supposed to be an appointment for surgery to diagnose endometriosis. So we kind of already and our mind set that this was our course of action.
Now before I get into the details of the appointment, let me give you some foreground. if you don't want to read about some TMI details, you just might want to skip this part.
For the past three years, Phil and I have been married. We do what all married couples do. We have sex. DUH! Most of the time, Sex is attributed to very intimate and pleasurable experiences, as it should be! But over the past almost two years, I have been experiencing pain in my pelvic area, mostly isolated to my left hip area That sometimes radiated to my right side, but I could never predict the pain. I have also noticed that I experienced pain during the course of intercourse with my husband. When I would bring this to the attention of my previous OB, he would refer to the fact that I just need to acclimate myself to having sex more and that there is a possibility of my husband's genitals being larger than average. ( This is what he told me for nearly 3 years, hence why I needed to see a new doctor). So I learned to deal with it, but it made having intercourse with my husband very difficult to get in the mood for when I knew that there would be pain associated with it. On top of it, after finding out my progesterone levels, I was kind of blue.
So, now to the specialist appointment.
We walked into the appointment thinking we already knew what the diagnosis was and what the next steps would be. The doctor was very professional in asking very intimate questions and also very personal questions so that he could understand exactly what was going on in our lives. and Side note, I did not feel uncomfortable doing so. This doctor alone made this appointment a more so positive experience than anything else. But back to the appointment. I immediately blurted out about the progesterone levels and what they meant. I was more concerned about that answer than the answer to my pain. And his answer shocked me a little. He told me the progesterone levels weren't anything he was concerned about. He said that if the levels were taken on the day that he said they were taken, it was actually taken at the end of my ovulation cycle, which means my progesterone levels would have been higher a few days earlier. so He was not concerned with the levels. This brought relief to me, but then we got into my pain symptoms.
when i began to describe my pain symptoms, I could read anything of what he was thinking. After telling him about what I had been experiencing over the last few years, he directed me to the bed so he could do the exam. (every woman's favorite place to be) So I thought this would a routine pelvic exam.
Wrong.
He actually began with feeling my abdomen to check for any pain triggers. When laying flat on my back, I felt nothing. But then he told me to sit up a little bit like I was doing a crunch. He then did the same abdomen check, and I felt very similar pain to what I felt in my left side. He then proceeded to do a nerve test, and then did a pelvic exam. (Probably the most painful one I had experienced in my life.) Because he wasn't just doing a check of organs, he was feeling the muscles, testing the nerves, and seeing if it was something with my organs. Then he did a nerve test of my reproductive organs. (that was not pleasant either). Then he finished with the exam and let me put my clothes back on.
When he came back, He said he had some news for us. I'm thinking, ok, endometriosis and surgery date.
Wrong again.
He told me that he doesn't believe I have any issues with my reproductive system, and doesn't feel that there is any reason to believe I even have endometriosis. This should have been good news but then came the actual diagnosis.
Myofacsial Pain Syndrome
He must have seen the puzzled look on my face, because he then began to explain this strange thing to me. according to him, the pain I am experiencing is being triggered by something in my body that has reason to send pain signals. This "Trigger Point" could be any where in my body. What is happening, in my nerves and sensory impulses are getting clashed together before reaching my brain, and my brain is misinterpreting the pain signals and sending the pain signals to a part of the body that hasn't the need for pain. He said the muscles in my pelvic region are constantly tense and stressed, which is a enabler of the pain, and there isn't a reason for them to be doing so unless the pain is being sent there for no reason. This is what would make intercourse painful, certain exercises painful, and possibly even being pregnant painful. He believes that these would also be the cause of my crippling headaches and migraines, and he believes the trigger point for the pain is somewhere in my spine, but isn't 100% sure. He reassured me that there is treatment for this pain, but there isn't a cure for it, nor a known cause as to why my nerves are over reacting. He also cautioned me that if I didn't get the pain under control, it could possibly turn into fibromyaglia.
All I could do is sit there. I didn't know the words myofascial pain disorder (until that moment), but I knew fibromyaglia. I knew it well.
For those who knew my mom, knew she was diagnosed with Fibromyaglia, and was in chronic pain caused by overactive never 4 years before she passed away. It made her life extremely difficult. She lived in pain. she was allergic to the 2 medications for it and was heavily medicated to control the pain she experienced. Somedays she had good days where she could go out and do the things she needed to do, but others not so much. It was very difficult to watch her go through it because even simple things such as wearing a bra caused her excruciating pain. It affected our family in many different ways, more so in a negative way.
I asked the Doctor if my mom having Fibromyaglia made a difference in receiving this diagnosis. He said that with her having it, it would make perfect sense that I would have something so closely related to it. This didn't make me feel any better.
He said this disease is usually brought to the surface from extreme emotional shock and stress as well as extreme fatigue. With the death of my parents being so close to my wedding date, he said it makes sense that this pain coincides with the pain timeline. The fatigue, because I talked to him about my sleep patterns, he then diagnosed me with insomnia, something I would get from my Father, who was on sleep medication for several years. So he wanted to start me on some melatonin to see if my sleep patterns would improve.
we left the appointment with some follow up appointments to 100% rule out fertility issues, but knowing that there most likely isn't an issue there.
Instead, I left in fear. Fear of this new diagnosis and what it was doing to my body. More so, I was scared of turning into my mom. Now don't get me wrong, I want to be the woman my mom was, kind, gentle, loving, and charitable. I was scared of turning into her disease. Scared of chronic pain. Scared of medication. Scared of being too pained to even get out of bed. I felt nothing but fear when I left. How could I be 24(in 2 weeks) and have a chronic pain disorder?
After a blessing from Phil, I remember that there are reasons for these types of trials. while I may not understand them, I know that the savior atoned for me. Not just my sins, but my pains and sorrows. He is the only person to know where I am and what I am feeling, and that I can use that atoning power to overcome this fear and pain I feel.
I am on Nuerontin For the pain right now, and have a tentative appointment with a Physical therapist to start working on this pain. The Nuerontin has not been good to me. I hate how I am feeling, but I know I have to go through this beginning phase, no matter how awful it seems, to get to a path of recovery. I have a Ultrasound appointment with my specialist to rule out any kind of possibilities of other reproductive problems, and then i can go 100% into working on this pain.
This is not where I planned on being at this stage of my life. I saw a different plan for myself, that did not include the above diagnosis. But as we all Know, Heavenly Father's Plans are not ours. We must endure to the end to understand why we go through the things we do, no matter how difficult the journey. I have been turning to my scriptures more for guidance and consoling, but Carol, my Loving Godmother and also best friend to my mother, gave me D&C 122:5-7.
5 If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;
6 If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;
7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
While this brought me closer to feeling better, my favorite scripture is what brought the greatest peace which is 1 chapter previous D&C 121:7-9.
7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.
I Know that thing will work out, but everything still feels daunting, especially at my age. I am grateful for a husband who has his priesthood and will stand by me throughout this and I am grateful for my testimony of the plan of Salvation and that I know the Lord's plan is perfect.
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