Answers to some questions

Hi friends. 

I have realized something..... the last time I posted on this blog, it was to help me mourn the loss of my first pregnancy. obviously, my life has taken some drastic changes, and I now have a beautiful 1 year old daughter who literally fills my life with sunshine and joy. Ohhhhh how I freaking love this kid. 

I have gotten some interesting comments over the course of this year and through my pregnancy. some of which, have kind of taken me a while to get over and cope with because of the implications that were behind these comments. I know people don't mean to harm, but sometimes I am a little more sensitive than most. Especially over the course of this last year. 

As most of you know, I have tragically laid to rest both my Mother, at age 47, and my father, at age 51. These were unexpected, and both happened so suddenly, there was no time for closure. This post is going to be a bit raw, so please, if you feel like judging me, move along. I have had comments made about how "I don't know if I could handle being a mom without my mom around" or " Oh you are so brave"

While I know these comments are well placed, and I shouldn't view it as an attack, these comments spur feelings i have suppressed for so long. 

For the last few weeks, I have felt like I've needed my parents a lot more than I thought I would. 

And I hate admitting that. I hate admitting that as an adult, I still have compulsions to ask my parents for help, or their advice or whatever. I grew up trying to prove to them that I can handle everything that comes my way. That I can move on with my life and be happy and nothing could deter me from my goals. 

And yet here I am, on what would have been my moms 53 birthday, and I feel as though my wounds are freshly opened after enduring some of the hardest trials anyone could face. I feel this because my life has been rapidly changing recently, and I have such a hard time understanding my life without my parents here. 

I have my daughter, who will never get to meet her grandparents on this earth. I stress daily about how she will know them. How will she understand? I know things like this come in time, but yet I want those experiences now. I want to see my mom and dad's faces when they play with Maq. I want to see them snuggle her and love her. I want to see them spoil her rotten. In a way, I have felt robbed of an experience that many others have been able to enjoy. I also wish so deeply to have my parents around while i grow into a mother. 

I have had a hard time with my testimony when it comes to trying to understand why my parents had to return to their heavenly home when they did. I don't feel I was ready, nor was anyone else. I mean, doesn't most first time moms want to share their experience with their moms? Ask marriage advice? Have family dinners? Vacation together? Holidays? This is also something I CANNOT STAND to admit. I have always been faithful to my beliefs. I have always strived to have faith, and yet this trial makes it hard to keep that faith alive at times when I feel like this. I know I shouldn't be asking my Heavenly Father "Why?" but when I have lost so much, how can one not ask? I have also made a very personal decision, that i would not seek out counseling. i know this is something Most people would say is a benefit, that i can heal quicker. But for me, its more than just talking about my losses.

I've learned to just cope with the answer, that I won't know why my parents had to leave when they did until my soul joins them on the other side. It is SO hard to swallow that, because I like reasons. I like seeing a result to a question. But I know if I keep asking those questions, I will doubt my faith. And I can't do that. I can't lose that. 

I don't write this as a pity party, because I can't stand being pitied. I have been pitied for nearly 6 years, and I strive so hard to prove I don't need to be pitied.I write this more as a venting for me, because I have been so overly frustrated of not having either parent here for me. The hole your family members leave in your heart is real. I miss them daily. I try to remember things about my parents daily, and while it'll make me sad, it also brings hope. Hope that I will make it through my trials and endure the way my parents raised me to. Hope that I will live my life to the fullest expectation they had for me. Hope that I can emulate and honor them throughout my life. Hope that I with see them again. 

I was watching Hercules with Maquel and there was a scene at the end that just broke me into pieces. We know Hercules was stolen from his parents by Hades to live on earth with the intention to destroy him. His parents couldn't help him in anyway, but he was able to grow and progress with the intention to get back home so he could be with them again. After he completes his final heroic act, he is welcomed home, to which the first thing his mother did was hold him tight and exclaim "we are so proud of you". To which Zeus replies "you can come home now". 

I bawled immensely. Because this is how I want to be welcomed home by my parents. Because I miss them and want to be with them. Because I want my family together forever. I hate crying, and I don't like to do it. I don't like to be vulnerable, especially when it comes to this. My heart literally breaks every time i have a spare moment and all I want to do is call my parents. This is where having my mother's best friend, Carol, has been the truest tender mercy of my life. She is literally my mother, just in a more fun version. She and her husband knew my parents for 20 years prior to their passing, and watched all of us grow up. She has stepped in to be the "Oma" to my daughter and has loved her as much as my own mother would have loved her. But its more that she steps up to the mother role that wasn't hers. Her husband Ron stepped up as a father in law and an "Opa" and Maq loves him.I call Carol at least once a week. We snap chat almost daily, mainly so she can see  Maquel daily. She is even the fun Mother in law that Phil never got the true opportunity to experience. 

I know my trails could be harder. But this feels heavy. I have a husband willing to bear the pain with me, but he reminds me regularly that we have to progress. So i strive to live my life in a way that will honor my parents. I am getting ready to build our dream home, I was brought on to work for Tesla in a position that blesses my family, and brings me validation. We are raising our daughter and providing all that we can for her. 

Again, I don't write this as a way to gain more sorrow. I find expressing my thoughts and experiences to be extremely thereputic. But tis is also a way that I can see how my faith has grown, and to remind my self that my life doesn't end when my Mother and Fathers did. It is just a sad part of my journey that I know will make sense one day.  Phil has recommended I start blogging again, as a therapy for myself. Finding a topic I love, a recipe, or even a funny story. I agree. I forget how much I loved writing, and also how much I love remembering. 

And I was not ashamed.

As I sit here, thinking of how to go through this, tears begin to well up in my eyes. It's something that I never thought about being open with, considering how fresh the wounds are, and how hurt and devastated I am. I feel like these types of things are always hushed, and should be kept private, and in a way, are something some women should be ashamed of admitting. But I decided it's time to break the social norm. It's not doing anyone, especially me, any good keeping it inside my heart, letting it fester like an infected wound. It's time to allow the healing to begin, and let my heart be open to love and hope. 

I had a miscarriage. 

I was 1 week late, and grabbed a test at the grocery store. I was hesitant to do so, seeing as how I had very little faith that this test would be any different from the rest. Phil was out golfing with a friend, and I was heading to the farmers market with a friend. I figured I could take a little disappointment before heading to get some goods at the market. 

The test was positive. This was on June 27, 2015. 

Phil and I both cried. It had finally happened. 2 years of what started becoming a chore, and we finally had what we wanted. We started planning on how to tell our families. Started thinking out our visits for the year, and getting everything set up for our baby. Even the names we wanted were set aside. The following Monday we went to the doctor and confirmed the pregnancy. We couldn't hold it in anymore. I called Carol, and Phil called his parents. We were all so excited. We then started planning how to tell our siblings. We decided on letters to our siblings from"aunt and uncle university". We got to witness their excitement both in person and via FaceTime. Things were set in motion. We even had our announcement for the world ready to go. 

Then we had our first ultrasound. 

My doctor located the gestational sac, which was awesome! I had butterflies the whole time. I couldn't wait to see our little blueberry. But we couldn't see anything. When my doctor told me he couldn't locate the fetus, that's when the panic set in. He told me there is a small possibility it could be a blighted ovum, where the egg is fertilized, but no fetus forms and is expelled via miscarriage, but he said I was measuring at early 6 weeks pregnant rather that 7, so it was probably too early. So we scheduled a second ultrasound. 

This is when I started coping with the idea of loss. 

I didn't have any tears. I just started thinking realistically. What if this was a miscarriage? Is it really that uncommon to have one? What would everyone think? Should I be scared? I just prayed that whatever was meant to happen would take place, but I wanted my blueberry so bad. 

Phil wanted to be optimistic, where I wanted to be realistic. I read about pregnancy and miscarriage, and that is is common. This, strangely, brought a little comfort. That if it happened, I wasn't alone. I knew a few people who have had them, but they weren't open about it. I didn't know how I wanted to be. Did I want to hide myself from the world? Did I want to shout it from atop a mountain?

The second ultrasound came. 

Phil and I walked in, holding hands, excited for what we would see that day. We had even researched the Ramzi method to try and guess what gender our blueberry was. We didn't even consider any other possibility. 

As the ultrasound began, my heart began to sink. I saw the same blank grey screen that I had witnessed one week earlier. I didn't dare look at Phil's face, I didn't want him to see the disappointment on my face. My doctor then turned the machine off, and explained how I had an empty gestational sac, meaning a blighted ovum. This meant a miscarriage. 

He must've sensed my pain, as he began to explain what I was to expect from here. I had been working with this doctor for a while now, and he knew we were trying to conceive. He hugged me and Phil, and gave us his condolences, and left the room. 

This is when Phil broke down. 

I sat there, not having shed a tear yet, holding my sobbing husband. I told him everything would be ok. We got in the car. I didn't know what else to do other than call Carol. This is when my tears came. It always happens this way with me. Anytime something traumatic happened to me, I was fine up until I had to say the words. I started blubbering. Phil was blubbering on his phone with his mom. We were a blubbering mess. 

Carol talked me down, told me to take the next day or two off to grieve, and that it was ok to not be strong. I should be allowed time to grieve with the loss of my blueberry. She told me not to think of reasons why this happened, otherwise I would go insane. 

Phil and u both took the rest of the day off. I had stopped crying by the time we got home. Crying had caused my migraine that I now had the pleasure of accompanying me in my grief. I laid down on the couch and pretty much shut myself off. I didn't want to exist. I didn't want to admit what I had lost. I felt like I had been robbed of the opportunity to be a mother. I went to bed at 6:30 that night. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to not feel anything. 

Then I woke up the next morning. 

The pain was still there. But the sting had dulled. I still stayed home from work. I didn't want to have an intermittent breakdown and have to go home. But I felt more chipper than I had the day before. I read mommy blogs and miscarriage forums. I didn't feel alone, or that my pain was only to be understood by myself. I felt hope. Hope that I may not have to go through this again. Hope that I will be able to conceive again. So I charted when I can start trying again. I mentioned it to Phil, who had given me space over the last two days. He mentioned his only fear is that we would experience this same grief again. And I told him, if we did, we were now better equipped to cope with the pain. But he agreed, he wanted to start trying as soon as we were allowed to. 

I've always quoted my favorite scripture, over and over during times of trial. This was just another fitting setting 

I don't know what mine and Phil's future holds. But I do know this, we will move forward with faith, knowing our little blueberry will one day, be held in our arms. 

Thy faith hath made thee whole.

My heart is full. Overwhelmed with love and compassion. I don't even know how to describe the feelings I have right now. I guess the best thing is to give a back story.

On April 20th, I went into my fertility doctors office to talk to him about my diagnosis of myofascial pain syndrome from November. After the diagnosis,  aside from the initial transition, I had been put on a medication regimen of gabapentin. Now, I had a little experience with this medication per Phil had been on the medication for his back when his disks slipped. I knew it helped relieve his pain and he was better for it. I also knew there was a chance I would not react well to the medication, as it is used for nerve damage and pain control. Well, sure enough, I did not react well at all to this medication. Between walking around in a fog, feeling like I don't have control over my body, and the idea of eating was a disgusting thing to even process in my mind.so I stopped taking the medication in February, hoping I would have a different option available.

Almost immediately, I felt the pain return, only this time instead of my pain staying in my pelvis  and abdomen, I had noticed pain in my neck, back and knees. I attributed this to my myofascial pain as these were common areas to feel the pain. I made an appointment to talk to my doctor about different pain remedies regarding the new pain areas.

Now, my doctor was assuming this would just have been a check up on the medication and the fertility work that we have been doing. When I went over the new pain areas, he had a very concerned look on his face. This caused my heart to panic a little, as I didn't really enjoy being in the office in the first place. He asked if he could perform a test on me regarding the pain. This had me even more on edge. He pressed on my abdomen and pelvis, and still had a pain response. He then pressed my knees and tops of my feet, having some pain make its presence known. He then pressed several areas on my back, neck, and shoulders. My lower back had shooting pain up my spine, radiating to my pelvis. My shoulders had an achy pain radiate down my arm, and my neck when pressured, caused an almost immediate migraine. I sat there looking at my doctor thinking "what is wrong with you?!"

He then asked a few more questions regarding my day to day activities and sleep cycles. I had no idea what it was leading to. I thought my trigger point pain was just expanding to other points.

Then he said that he was diagnosing me with fibromyalgia.

I just looked at him. I didn't know what to say. I was just flabbergasted that I had been given a diagnosis of something I had prayed would never happen to me.

He proceeded to tell me he wanted to see another doctor for a second opinion, but he was very sure this was the pain I was dealing with.

I tried to hide me despair, asking about treatments, options to handle the pain, thinking of the options my mom chose and how I didn't want to go down that road. He perscribed a heavy dose of Lyrica, as well as trigger point injections. And physical therapy. And a therapist.

I got in the car and sobbed. I had prayed that this exact thing would not be placed upon me. I had prayed that I could be strong and prove that chronic pain could not defeat me. I had prayed that this burden would not be so heavy on Phil's shoulders. I didn't know what to think. I called Phil and bawled how I felt my twenties were being taken away. That I was being robbed of my youthful years and how was I supposed to possibly bring a child into the world when I am always in pain?

I have to say, with Phil being dragged into this new life, he has been my rock. He told me that, like everyone in the world, burdens that the lord knows we can handle, are the ones placed upon us and somehow we learn things that help us. He helped calm me down, reminding me that there is a reason why this has happened, and I need to be strong.

So I've bucked up, and moved forward. I have mostly good days, where I hardly notice the pain and my normal activities are enjoyed. But then I have days like today, where the pain in my back and neck are too much to bear and I lay in my bed unable to move until my pain medications take hold and I can get mobile. Today was one of those days.

I hate when I have days that are like today because I feel useless. I can't move without the pain in my back moving to my knees and shoulders. And worse, I had to miss out on church. Phil, being a trooper, went and taught our primary class without me. I felt like the biggest sack of manure sitting at home, barely able to sit in bed feeling somewhat relief from the pain. Phil reassured me there was nothing to feel bad about, that it's ok to take a day to rest. But I felt still.... So alone in my pain.

The previous week, I had shared my favorite miracle of Jesus Christ to my primary kids: the woman with the issue of blood. This woman had struggled with her disease and had gone to anyone she could who might help her, and yet, nothing. Then with her faith in Christ, she was made whole. The passage always brings tears to my eyes because of how much this story taught me about faith.. Today, I cried because I wished I was that woman, who with her faith and touch of the savior, I too would be made whole.

Then I have a knock on the door. It's a member of the primary presidency with her husband, a member of the bishopric. They presented a plate of cookies and a card. They had heard from Phil, that I was hurting today, and explained my new diagnosis to them when they noticed I wasn't at church. They wanted to come by and offer their words of love and support, and they had me in their prayers and loved me and Phil.

I can't tell you how much I needed to hear that. I knew these members of our ward and Phil and I love them, but for it to be a unsolicited showing of love, made a difference in my day. I know my heaven,y father is listening to my prayers and that although I may have not wanted this trial, he's not going to let me go through it alone. That although I may not have my immediate relief, through faith and strength, I know I can me made whole as well.

I was hesitant to even go into discussion of this diagnosis because I don't want pity, nor do I want people to tell me it's an incorrect diagnosis or I am overreacting. I have accepted this as my trial. I have  accepted this is a new lifestyle that I will be acclimating to. Yes, I am aware it's not common for someone who isn't even 25 to have this disease. Believe me, I have done my research. But I am over the denial. I would rather be strong and deal with this, than be like my mother, who constantly saw this as a death sentence. I want to fight. I want to have faith that I can have a normal life with a minor health setback. I want to be an example to all those around me that something detrimental doesn't have to deter you from your goals and dreams, or even your normal life.

Do as I am doing!

Whew! What a last two weeks it has been! Between working crazy hours at work, battling a nasty cold, and trying to find time to blog, I guess you can tell which took the back burner for a minute.  even Boomer felt the drag of the  last two weeks. as evidenced below.

Granted, this is still a pretty normal depiction of his regular daily activities.

First things first! I got my hair cut! (Again). I have a real issue with being so lazy every morning when I need to be to work, and I like to (try) to be the employee that looks like they care about their appearance. I was noticing that with my hair longer, I get even lazier in the morning and doing my hair becomes the last thing I want to do. Since cutting it short, but not quite to a pixie length, I have more determination to have my hair not just dry, but actually styled and not look like I just woke up. 

So here he have my hair prior to me chopping it off.

It's still not too terribly long here, but imagine maybe an additional inch of growth (and a mullet) 

And this was the final product!

I love this cut, and did I mention the color?!?! OMGosh.... My hair girl calls this a Cherry Coke color and I die every time I go this dark because I am in LOVE with it. 

Ok enough about me... 

So over the last two weeks we had the biggest Sunday of the year.... 

SUPER BOWL!

and lets just talk about the food. 

Holy Calories Batman!

Now I am going to tell you, these little taco cups were made by yours truly! Yes I know, they are darling, and you can get my recipe(and a bunch of other I made) here Follow Lindsay's board I like to eat eat eat on Pinterest.

Take a look!

I'll try to put up a few other recipes this week, especially the Phil approved ones! I Have one recipe I didn't get any photo's of, that I Just have to Share!

I call it Ranch Chicken, same as what my Godmother calls it, since that's who I stole it from. 

Seriously, I made this chicken for the Super Bowl party and it was a hit. It was one of the first things gone. The chicken is so juicy and tender, I had one person tell me it tasted identical to Chik-fil-A grilled chicken. I'll take it as a compliment anyday, cuz let's face it.. Chick-Fil-A= YUMMM!

Ok so Here it Is, Ranch Chicken!

Prep: 1hour-24 hours

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Ingredients:

1 lb of Chicken tenders (really, any part of the chicken is great, but I prefer tenders)

1 packet Hidden Valley Ranch Mix

1/2 Cup Olive Oil

Directions:

Take thawed chicken and place into Ziplock bag. 

Pour olive oil and contents of ranch Packet into bag.

Close the bag up and with the contents all together, circulate chicken and contents till everything is covered. (if not enough oil, add until all chicken tenders have coating)

Place in fridge for 1 hour-24 hours to marinade. (I have found that 3-4 hours is ideal for me, and makes for an easy Sunday go to Dinner). 

Now the fun part. I prefer to grill the tenders on our propane grill, but you can bake the chicken, use a George Foreman grill, or pan fry. 

If grilling: Place tenders on grill and cook thoroughly each side (about 5 minutes each side)

If Baking : Preheat oven to 350 Degrees. Place on cookie sheet, and bake for about 15-20 minutes. 

If Pan Frying: In a large skillet, heat up about a tablespoon of oil and place tenders in pan. Cook on medium high heat, thoroughly cooking each side( again, about 5-7 minutes each side)

I like to pair the chicken with any kind of veggie, particularly corn or green beans!

Hope you friends have found something you liked! Till next time!

Smell Ya later Friends!

Holy updates Batman!

So oh my heck, I haven't written in a minute! Let's get these updates rolling!!!

OK so when I last left you lovely readers of mine, I had informed you that I was coping with my new diagnosis of Myofascial Pain Syndrome(for sake of typing, I'll use MPS).  This journey has been really quite scary to be honest. I didn't know how badly I would react to the medication that was prescribed to me. I am already  on a high dosage of 300 mg 3 times a day of Gabapentin. This medication makes me feel like I am in a haze all day long, which makes it incredibly difficult sometimes to focus on work, school, and life in general! It makes it really hard to even notice if the pain is actually subsiding, which is the whole point I am taking the darn medication. So here is to hoping that some kind of tolerance will be built up to the effects of this medication so I can begin to move forward in my journey of living with MPS. 

Moving on!

Phil and I got to do an awesome photography session in early November. HUGE shout out to FotoFly in Draper. I could not believe how much I fell in love with these. Here are a few of my favorites!

Phil and I were lucky enough to spend the weekend before Thanksgiving in sunny Gilbert, Arizona with my mom's side of the family. This was something I had been looking forward to for nearly 6 months because I would be with my family for my birthday for the first time in 5 years, and not to mention there was the baptism of my awesome cousin Gunner and baby blessing of my newest Cousin Lucy!

This is the adorable Lucy! she was a whopping 5 weeks old! I couldn't get over how freaking sweet she was with her smiles and little squirms! Ahhh!!! Talk about ramping up my baby hungry feels!

This is Andrew! He is Lucy's big brother and we didn't get to know each other very much from him being young but we got to have quite a bit of fun with each other! 

I wish I could post every picture of my cousins, but alas, when you have like 25... yeah, it probably won't happen. So I was happy with what I got. 

The B-E-A-UUUUUTIFUL Gilbert Temple. I was able to do a session the day after my birthday, which also happens to be my late grandfather's birthday. I had always had felt a closeness with him from the fact that we shared our birthdays so close to each other, and lets face it, we partied the right way, with Pumpkin pie! 

Going to the temple that morning put me in such a special spirit for the rest of the day because Gunner was being baptized that night and Lucy was going to be blessed too! It was really neat that they would be able to share those special dates with Grandpa's birthday. 

I wish I had photos to post from the baptism, but I'll confess... I was a blubbering mess. There is just something special I felt there that day, that I couldn't contain myself. Granted, it wasn't just me being a waterfall of emotions. I saw that the rest of my family was choked up quite a bit. There was the sweetest, strongest spirit in that room as Gunner was Baptized and Lucy was blessed, and I felt so close to not just my grandfather, but my mom and dad because in my heart, I knew they were there. Even now talking about this experience makes me misty-eyed because it was the first time in who knows how long that I felt such a closeness to my parents and rest of my family. 

ok enough with the sappy stuff!

Thanksgiving was simple, nothing crazy happened. Ate Turkey, stuffing, and all the fixins. 

CHRISTMAS!!!!

We got to spend time with Phil's side of the family and got to go see some movies and got some pretty neat gifts. But again, very quiet and relaxed. 

So Now that we are in January, I know everyone was doing resolutions and such. One major one Phil and I wanted NEEDED to do, was clean/organize our bedroom. You would think that the most intimate room in your house would be kept in ship shape? NOPE. 

This was our cluttered, disorganized, unromantic master bedroom. 

Gross. 

The biggest change that needed to be made was our bed, closet, and organization of clothes. 

So we got a new bedspread, cleaned out about 4 garbage bags of clothes, and organized our dresser. now we have a much more clean, open and intimate bedroom. I am SOOO Happy with the changes. 

The next thing that happened in January that was incredibly exciting was.....

I officially graduated with my Associates. 

I know, I've been going to school for FOREVER... and while it seems insignificant to some, this is a huge step for me after all the mishaps, trials, and time off over the last almost 3 years. This means that my bachelors is now within my grasp (3 full-time Semesters).  Something my godmother told me that teared me up, was that my parents would be proud, regardless if it was my Associates or my Bachelors. I knew how important my education was to my parents, and that has been a driving force behind getting it done. I hope to finish my sociology degree in the next 3 semesters and be done!

So, that's what going on in the Betteridge world! My other resolution is going to be to do at least some kind of weekly post, and it'll probably be filled with more pictures of Boomer and FOOD! I have found my passion for cooking and I (and Phil) are reaping the benefits of my cooking more than I ever have before! 

So Stay tuned for more! 

Until then, Peace!

Welcome to my new Journey

I will let you all know right now, this is not an easy post to write, nor is it going to be a very uplifting one at that, and some very intimate details are going to be written. I find writing about my experiences very therapeutic and therefore feel better about my experiences. So If you are into sob stories and reading about there people's trials and details of their lives, then this is the place to be. If this is not your cup of tea, then viewer discretion is advised. 

So, as I mentioned in my previous post, that Phil and I were going to be seeing a fertility specialist because of some issues we had been experiencing in terms of conceiving to have a child. This was a some what nerve wracking experience for us because we didn't really know what was going to happen out of this appointment. Worst case scenario was supposed to be an appointment for surgery to diagnose endometriosis. So we kind of already and our mind set that this was our course of action.

Now before I get into the details of the appointment, let me give you some foreground. if you don't want to read about some TMI details, you just might want to skip this part. 

For the past three years, Phil and I have been married. We do what all married couples do. We have sex. DUH! Most of the time, Sex is attributed to very intimate and pleasurable experiences, as it should be! But over the past almost two years, I have been experiencing pain in my pelvic area, mostly isolated to my left hip area That sometimes radiated to my right side, but I could never predict the pain. I have also noticed that I experienced pain during the course of intercourse with my husband. When I would bring this to the attention of my previous OB, he would refer to the fact that I just need to acclimate myself to having sex more and that there is a possibility of my husband's genitals being larger than average. ( This is what he told me for nearly 3 years, hence why I needed to see a new doctor). So I learned to deal with it, but it made having intercourse with my husband very difficult to get in the mood for when I knew that there would be pain associated with it. On top of it, after finding out my progesterone levels, I was kind of blue.

So, now to the specialist appointment.

We walked into the appointment thinking we already knew what the diagnosis was and what the next steps would be. The doctor was very professional in asking very intimate questions and also very personal questions so that he could understand exactly what was going on in our lives.  and Side note, I did not feel uncomfortable doing so. This doctor alone made this appointment a more so positive experience than anything else. But back to the appointment. I immediately blurted out about the progesterone levels and what they meant. I was more concerned about that answer than the answer to my pain. And his answer shocked me a little. He told me the progesterone levels weren't anything he was concerned about. He said that if the levels were taken on the day that he said they were taken, it was actually taken at the end of my ovulation cycle, which means my progesterone levels would have been higher a few days earlier. so He was not concerned with the levels. This brought relief to me, but then we got into my pain symptoms. 

when i began to describe my pain symptoms, I could read anything of what he was thinking. After telling him about what I had been experiencing over the last few years, he directed me to the bed so he could do the exam. (every woman's favorite place to be) So I thought this would a routine pelvic exam.

Wrong. 

He actually began with feeling my abdomen to check for any pain triggers. When laying flat on my back, I felt nothing. But then he told me to sit up a little bit like I was doing a crunch. He then did the same abdomen check, and I felt very similar pain to what I felt in my left side. He then proceeded to do a nerve test, and then did a pelvic exam. (Probably the most painful one I had experienced in my life.) Because he wasn't just doing a check of organs, he was feeling the muscles, testing the nerves, and seeing if it was something with my organs. Then he did a nerve test of my reproductive organs. (that was not pleasant either). Then he finished with the exam and let me put my clothes back on. 

When he came back, He said he had some news for us. I'm thinking, ok, endometriosis and surgery date. 

Wrong again.

He told me that he doesn't believe I have any issues with my reproductive system, and doesn't feel that there is any reason to believe I even have endometriosis. This should have been good news but then came the actual diagnosis. 

Myofacsial Pain Syndrome

He must have seen the puzzled look on my face, because he then began to explain this strange thing to me. according to him, the pain I am experiencing is being triggered by something in my body that has reason to send pain signals. This "Trigger Point" could be any where in my body. What is happening, in my nerves and sensory impulses are getting clashed together before reaching my brain, and my brain is misinterpreting the pain signals and sending the pain signals to a part of the body that hasn't the need for pain. He said the muscles in my pelvic region are constantly tense and stressed, which is a enabler of the pain, and there isn't a reason for them to be doing so unless the pain is being sent there for no reason. This is what would make intercourse painful, certain exercises painful, and possibly even being pregnant painful. He believes that these would also be the cause of my crippling headaches and migraines, and he believes the trigger point for the pain is somewhere in my spine, but isn't 100% sure. He reassured me that there is treatment for this pain, but there isn't a cure for it, nor a known cause as to why my nerves are over reacting. He also cautioned me that if I didn't get the pain under control, it could possibly turn into fibromyaglia. 

All I could do is sit there. I didn't know the words myofascial pain disorder (until that moment), but I knew fibromyaglia. I knew it well.

For those who knew my mom, knew she was diagnosed with Fibromyaglia, and was in chronic pain caused by overactive never 4 years before she passed away. It made her life extremely difficult. She lived in pain. she was allergic to the 2 medications for it and was heavily medicated to control the pain she experienced. Somedays she had good days where she could go out and do the things she needed to do, but others not so much. It was very difficult to watch her go through it because even simple things such as wearing a bra caused her excruciating pain. It affected our family in many different ways, more so in a negative way.

I asked the Doctor if my mom having Fibromyaglia made a difference in receiving this diagnosis. He said that with her having it, it would make perfect sense that I would have something so closely related to it. This didn't make me feel any better. 

He said this disease is usually brought to the surface from extreme emotional shock and stress as well as extreme fatigue. With the death of my parents being so close to my wedding date, he said it makes sense that this pain coincides with the pain timeline. The fatigue, because I talked to him about my sleep patterns, he then diagnosed me with insomnia, something I would get from my Father, who was on sleep medication for several years. So he wanted to start me on some melatonin to see if my sleep patterns would improve.

we left the appointment with some follow up appointments to 100% rule out fertility issues, but knowing that there most likely isn't an issue there. 

Instead, I left in fear. Fear of this new diagnosis and what it was doing to my body. More so, I was scared of turning into my mom. Now don't get me wrong, I want to be the woman my mom was, kind, gentle, loving, and charitable. I was scared of turning into her disease. Scared of chronic pain. Scared of medication. Scared of being too pained to even get out of bed. I felt nothing but fear when I left. How could I be 24(in 2 weeks) and have a chronic pain disorder?

After a blessing from Phil, I remember that there are reasons for these types of trials. while I may not understand them, I know that the savior atoned for me. Not just my sins, but my pains and sorrows. He is the only person to know where I am and what I am feeling, and that I can use that atoning power to overcome this fear and pain I feel. 

I am on Nuerontin For the pain right now, and have a tentative appointment with a Physical therapist to start working on this pain. The Nuerontin has not been good to me. I hate how I am feeling, but I know I have to go through this beginning phase, no matter how awful it seems, to get to a path of recovery. I have a Ultrasound appointment with my specialist to rule out any kind of possibilities of other reproductive problems, and then i can go 100% into working on this pain. 

This is not where I planned on being at this stage of my life. I saw a different plan for myself, that did not include the above diagnosis. But as we all Know, Heavenly Father's Plans are not ours. We must endure to the end to understand why we go through the things we do, no matter how difficult the journey. I have been turning to my scriptures more for guidance and consoling, but Carol, my Loving Godmother and also best friend to my mother, gave me D&C 122:5-7. 

5 If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

 6 If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;

 7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

 While this brought me closer to feeling better, my favorite scripture is what brought the greatest peace which is 1 chapter previous D&C 121:7-9. 

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

 8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

 9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

 I Know that thing will work out, but everything still feels daunting, especially at my age. I am grateful for a husband who has his priesthood and will stand by me throughout this and I am grateful for my testimony of the plan of Salvation and that I know the Lord's plan is perfect.

Wanting, Wishing, Waiting...

I Know I promised a blog post last night, but I was so exhausted from the time change that I was out like alight bulb by 8! Gosh that makes me feel old.

Any ways, updates in the life of the Betteridge home!

We have been working our lives away it seems like. so much so that we both ended up working on our anniversary! But thankfully, we got off of work in enough time to at least spend the evening together over a nice dinner. can I just say how strange it is to say I have been married to my hunk of a husband for 3 years already? I know you veterans out there are like "Psshh! that's nothing! try 50!" But I mean, through everything Phil and I have endured and had our own individual trials, it feels like  it's already been an eternity. But How grateful I am to have been blessed with a husband who loves me as unconditionally as he does. He wants so much to give us the life he knows our little family deserves and I see him pushing for that every day. Its hard for me to look at him and think of my life before he came into my life. He has been nothing but a rock, and I can't believe i am lucky enough to have him in my life. 

He is also so thoughtful! He got us last minute tickets to fly dow to California to have 2 days at Disneyland! For those of you who know Phil, anytime I break out in Disney song, or quotes, or what ever, he will more than likely roll is eyes and sigh. So the fact that he was WANTING to go down to Disneyland,  was so sweet I couldn't help but be excited and thrilled. 

We got down to LAX (which by the way, NEVER EVER EVER going there again) friday night after work. We had plans to be at the park when it opened the next morning, and laid out the plans for how we would hit everything! Basically, was ride single rider on anything we could, along with getting fast passes. we hit California adventure first and had a blast! We got to ride everything we wanted by about 11 and decided to head over to Disneyland. We also got to meet up with Lacey and her Now Fiance! (I Know crazy right!? we are very excited for them) By the end of the day, 6 o clock, we kind of hit a wall, and by a wall i mean that the Lobster Nachos and Churros finally caught up to us and we felt like we were Violet from Willy Wonka. We decided to head back to the hotel and just hang out and hit the parks again early on Sunday. And we did the same thing again on sunday, but more leisurely. With our 7 am flight the next morning, we again decided to leave the park early to get home in time to get a full nights rest. We had so much fun enjoying a weekend, wearing our Happy Anniversary Pins, and spending time together in one of the happiest places on earth.

Halloween wasn't really eventful for us seeing as how I had school and phil had work. We did get to spend a few hours with friends playing some games, but nothing truly exciting there. 

But October was eventful in another aspect of our lives as well. In my previous post I indicated I was going to be seeing a specialist in regards to endometriosis possibilities and Phil and I trying to get pregnant. I ended up seeing a new OBGYN all together just to get a second opinion on the issues i was dealing with. Upon expressing my concern with my symptoms I was going through, He immediately jumped into multiple fertility tests and blood tests. I can't remember a time when I was poked and prodded so much. It seemed like test after test for hours. Now as you know, endometriosis is not diagnosed without surgery. My Doctor recommended that I speak with one of the doctors at the University's Fertility Clinic to set up a procedure/consultation, but also that he was going to forward all my test results to this doctor as well, because he didn't believe it was just a possible endometriosis diagnosis. 

So I waited to set up a consult because I wanted to know what any of these tests would say and if I should have been concerned. All of my Annual exams came back normal. So I felt safe, until I saw that my urine and Blood tests came back as well. When I looked at the results, I was first a little confused, I didn't understand what I was reading. Thankfully, I am sure my doctor knew I would be confused and laid out the explanation. 

If I wanted to get pregnant, I needed to have Progesterone. Normal Progesterone ranges for women my age during ovulation should have been around 25+

Mine was a 9.

That's the normal range for a woman who is not ovulating. My blood was drawn in the middle of my ovulation cycle.

 So I sat there, looking at my 9. Wondering how in the world is this number so significant and devastating? To make matters worse, I got these results on Mine and Phil's wedding anniversary. How do I tell my Husband, who wants to be a father more than anything in the world, that his wife is not ovulating enough to give them a fighting chance of conceiving? And Even then, there is a high risk of miscarriage? This was not what we wanted to hear. But Phil, being the rock that he is, has remained positive and has been nothing but supportive during this. 

When speaking to him about everything, My doctor said that if I am meeting with a specialist to get a endometriosis diagnosis/consultation, he would also be able to look into the low progesterone levels, but not be able to treat them with out first diagnosing endometriosis for fear of aggravating the endometriosis if it was present, but reassured me that low progesterone would be a much easier fix than endometriosis.

Needless to say, it has been a very emotional month for me. I have sat and cried to my heavenly father, begging him to just take the pain away and heal my body so that I can have a child of my own, to hold and love. I have also(embarrassingly) been angry for a little bit, with this body I have and frustrated that it isn't doing what it was designed to do. Even with my husband telling me over and over again that it isn't my fault, I can't help but feel it is. This is why I have been so thankful to have prayer in my life. Even though I feel that my prayers are sometimes complaints and anguish, I know they are heard and I know they are answered, just maybe not in the way I wanted them to be answered. It has strengthened my testimony of faith that much more knowing that some how my prayers will be answered.

So Tomorrow I meet with the specialist to set up a surgery date and further consult on the progesterone levels. we are hoping to have it done by the end of the year, closer to christmas So That I can have an answer going into the new year. 

Hopefully I have more pleasant news for ya'll when I post again!