My heart is full. Overwhelmed with love and compassion. I don't even know how to describe the feelings I have right now. I guess the best thing is to give a back story.
On April 20th, I went into my fertility doctors office to talk to him about my diagnosis of myofascial pain syndrome from November. After the diagnosis, aside from the initial transition, I had been put on a medication regimen of gabapentin. Now, I had a little experience with this medication per Phil had been on the medication for his back when his disks slipped. I knew it helped relieve his pain and he was better for it. I also knew there was a chance I would not react well to the medication, as it is used for nerve damage and pain control. Well, sure enough, I did not react well at all to this medication. Between walking around in a fog, feeling like I don't have control over my body, and the idea of eating was a disgusting thing to even process in my mind.so I stopped taking the medication in February, hoping I would have a different option available.
Almost immediately, I felt the pain return, only this time instead of my pain staying in my pelvis and abdomen, I had noticed pain in my neck, back and knees. I attributed this to my myofascial pain as these were common areas to feel the pain. I made an appointment to talk to my doctor about different pain remedies regarding the new pain areas.
Now, my doctor was assuming this would just have been a check up on the medication and the fertility work that we have been doing. When I went over the new pain areas, he had a very concerned look on his face. This caused my heart to panic a little, as I didn't really enjoy being in the office in the first place. He asked if he could perform a test on me regarding the pain. This had me even more on edge. He pressed on my abdomen and pelvis, and still had a pain response. He then pressed my knees and tops of my feet, having some pain make its presence known. He then pressed several areas on my back, neck, and shoulders. My lower back had shooting pain up my spine, radiating to my pelvis. My shoulders had an achy pain radiate down my arm, and my neck when pressured, caused an almost immediate migraine. I sat there looking at my doctor thinking "what is wrong with you?!"
He then asked a few more questions regarding my day to day activities and sleep cycles. I had no idea what it was leading to. I thought my trigger point pain was just expanding to other points.
Then he said that he was diagnosing me with fibromyalgia.
I just looked at him. I didn't know what to say. I was just flabbergasted that I had been given a diagnosis of something I had prayed would never happen to me.
He proceeded to tell me he wanted to see another doctor for a second opinion, but he was very sure this was the pain I was dealing with.
I tried to hide me despair, asking about treatments, options to handle the pain, thinking of the options my mom chose and how I didn't want to go down that road. He perscribed a heavy dose of Lyrica, as well as trigger point injections. And physical therapy. And a therapist.
I got in the car and sobbed. I had prayed that this exact thing would not be placed upon me. I had prayed that I could be strong and prove that chronic pain could not defeat me. I had prayed that this burden would not be so heavy on Phil's shoulders. I didn't know what to think. I called Phil and bawled how I felt my twenties were being taken away. That I was being robbed of my youthful years and how was I supposed to possibly bring a child into the world when I am always in pain?
I have to say, with Phil being dragged into this new life, he has been my rock. He told me that, like everyone in the world, burdens that the lord knows we can handle, are the ones placed upon us and somehow we learn things that help us. He helped calm me down, reminding me that there is a reason why this has happened, and I need to be strong.
So I've bucked up, and moved forward. I have mostly good days, where I hardly notice the pain and my normal activities are enjoyed. But then I have days like today, where the pain in my back and neck are too much to bear and I lay in my bed unable to move until my pain medications take hold and I can get mobile. Today was one of those days.
I hate when I have days that are like today because I feel useless. I can't move without the pain in my back moving to my knees and shoulders. And worse, I had to miss out on church. Phil, being a trooper, went and taught our primary class without me. I felt like the biggest sack of manure sitting at home, barely able to sit in bed feeling somewhat relief from the pain. Phil reassured me there was nothing to feel bad about, that it's ok to take a day to rest. But I felt still.... So alone in my pain.
The previous week, I had shared my favorite miracle of Jesus Christ to my primary kids: the woman with the issue of blood. This woman had struggled with her disease and had gone to anyone she could who might help her, and yet, nothing. Then with her faith in Christ, she was made whole. The passage always brings tears to my eyes because of how much this story taught me about faith.. Today, I cried because I wished I was that woman, who with her faith and touch of the savior, I too would be made whole.
Then I have a knock on the door. It's a member of the primary presidency with her husband, a member of the bishopric. They presented a plate of cookies and a card. They had heard from Phil, that I was hurting today, and explained my new diagnosis to them when they noticed I wasn't at church. They wanted to come by and offer their words of love and support, and they had me in their prayers and loved me and Phil.
I can't tell you how much I needed to hear that. I knew these members of our ward and Phil and I love them, but for it to be a unsolicited showing of love, made a difference in my day. I know my heaven,y father is listening to my prayers and that although I may have not wanted this trial, he's not going to let me go through it alone. That although I may not have my immediate relief, through faith and strength, I know I can me made whole as well.
I was hesitant to even go into discussion of this diagnosis because I don't want pity, nor do I want people to tell me it's an incorrect diagnosis or I am overreacting. I have accepted this as my trial. I have accepted this is a new lifestyle that I will be acclimating to. Yes, I am aware it's not common for someone who isn't even 25 to have this disease. Believe me, I have done my research. But I am over the denial. I would rather be strong and deal with this, than be like my mother, who constantly saw this as a death sentence. I want to fight. I want to have faith that I can have a normal life with a minor health setback. I want to be an example to all those around me that something detrimental doesn't have to deter you from your goals and dreams, or even your normal life.
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